Past month musings
The start of the new year felt like I was trying to swim across an ocean, paddling heavily, occasionally trying to catch a break above water or even sinking in deep to experience calmer waters.
The kids had a month long break which meant they only started school on the third week. I had two big trips — one for our family and a destination wedding with my husband. I attended and planned parties for my dad — an emotional but incredibly special moment that took quite a cathartic toll. I had to schedule and take on this huge parenting moment of “big school shopping” which included research, attending interviews, and preparing documents. All this whilst I take on new hats and roles for our law firm and for myself.
I am writing this on a plane heading back home from a planned short trip to Seoul with my closest friends. I took a pause from watching Conclave (really gripping at least halfway to it before the pause) and take advantage of my complimentary wifi to maybe put into words what a month this has been.
At the end of the last year, I had made myself believe to finally accomplishing a few goals I’ve set myself for the year. I’m actually quite flexible in this department and deliberately avoid putting pressure on myself over things such as resolutions or time-bound goals. But I ended the year with a looming feeling that I feel like I am heading towards a shift or a different chapter in my life. I’ll be 38 this year (a few years short of 40), my eldest will be moving on to a “bigger school”, my husband and I will be celebrating our 7th year of marriage, the law firm I co-founded will enter its 5th year since we started during the height of the pandemic. While those things may justify the reason for that internal feeling of a —shift— I believe what pushed me to go against any pressure was this empowering feeling of finally knowing my life has evolved to a place where I can look at it with so much gratitude that even if any of my ambitious goals falter, it will be okay.
It is also interesting that while I think, deal, start with all these goals, plans, and ideas for the year and what’s to come, I find myself with the opportunity to reflect a lot of the past — my childhood, my schooling, the evolution of myself and my relationships with others.
At the start of the year, my husband and I together with the kids went to our special family Baguio trip. My kids have gone yearly since they were babies allowing us to visit relatively the same places and allowing me to witness how they experience these same places differently as they grow and slowly be their own persons. I truly find joy and meaning in seeing how much they remember and also how their views and opinions have changed over certain experiences. Hearing their why's, not only as a matter of question, but also one that shows their acceptance and understanding over the why. Acknowledging that these are only fleeting phases especially during those difficult moments where I do wane with exhaustion and exasperation has been a calming afterthought. Aren’t all parents just works-in-progress?
While I was thinking about what I wanted to say as part of my speech for my dad’s birthday, I allowed myself to go to those emotional places that are hinged to my core memories as a child, teen, young adult, and most significantly, as a parent. It felt like a personal emotional journey of looking back, mostly at the most mundane moments, and realizing how my life/self has evolved. I could write many essays about that, but the core thesis statement, would always revolve around understanding how love can be shown, hidden, and manifested in different, even conflicting, ways - silent, enduring, courageous, patient, confusing, loud, passionate, and steadfast.
I guess after I wrote that one last sentence down, I feel like I’ve digressed. Maybe those thoughts will reveal itself over at a different time and place.
As I took on freezing weather in Seoul (the coldest I’ve ever felt) and marvel at the beauty of seeing a beautiful thick white blanket of snow gracefully sit atop Seoul Forest grounds, I am grateful for that much needed break. New and familiar experiences. An opportunity for learning. The comfort and amusement over my friend’s consistent travel quirks. Great food and lots of laughs with my best of friends. I cannot wait to get back to my family and take on the year where I long to write more and fill my days with more creative pursuits.
